By Tom Horst, MA, MFT, Counselor

When hearing the word "intimacy," most people think of the sexual relationship. In my work with married couples, I emphasize the fact that a fulfilling sexual relationship results from deepening intimacy between partners.

What is intimacy? It is the emotional bonding of two people, of experiencing closeness and a deep sense of security in a relationship. One of my professors defined intimacy as "the union of two souls."

How do we develop intimacy in our marriage relationships? Following are a number of qualities that characterize intimate marriage relationships:

  • Seeing the Good - Each partner should be able to see the good, both in him/herself, as well as in the other. One way to live this out is to make daily statements to one's partner of affirmation ("You're a wonderful husband" or "you're such a patient mother"), appreciation ("Thanks for all you do to make my life satisfying"), and affection ("I love you," or "you're a precious gift to me"). Affection is also shown by touching, holding, kissing, etc.
  • Caring means to be concerned about our partner's welfare, happiness, needs and feelings. When we care for our partner, we will tune into what he/she says they  need and be willing to do what we can to meet those needs.
  • Protectiveness - Mutual protection means taking the other person's side when necessary and seeing issues from the other's perspective. It also means drawing boundaries around one's marriage in order to protect it from outside forces, persons and influences that might harm the marriage.
  • Enjoyment refers to being together and doing things that are enjoyable. I encourage couples to agree on activities they both enjoy for the sake of pleasure and just being together.
  • Responsibility - When problems surface, there is often the tendency to deny personal responsibility by shifting the blame onto one's partner. Each partner needs to take responsibility for their part when there are conflicts and disagreements. Relationships require a certain amount of maintenance and one partner cannot do all that is required to grow a healthy marriage.
  • Sharing hurt - To be able to share one's hurt with another and be heard is a most intimate act. We can share our good feelings and success with almost anyone, but with whom do we share our hurt feelings? Hurt can be shared in an atmosphere where there is caring, a listening ear, and an absence of defensiveness. If partners can learn to provide a safe place to share feelings, this encourages openness and feelings can be shared, rather than buried.
  • Forgiveness is one of the  most overlooked concepts of deepening intimacy. Yet in healthy couple relationships, the willingness to admit wrong, apologize, ask fogiveness, and extend forgiveness on the part of the one wronged, are all present. It is impossible to live in a close relationship and not occasionally hurt the person we love. It is essential to be able to deal with the hurt directly. If these acts cannot be forgiven, a state of resentment exists which erodes the relationship.

God desires for us to have a fulfilling marriage. Mark 10:9 says "therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Marriage is tough but extremely rewarding. Please seek professional help if you and your spouse are struggling. Do not deny yourself and your spouse the enjoyment of a healthy marriage.